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Be Careful
Briana King's life is falling apart. Her beloved father has just died, and her controlling mother wants to boss her eighteen-year-old around as though Briana were still eight. Strange dreams seem par for the course. But what about dreams that leave evidence behind?
With the help of an ancient coin left to her by her father, Briana discovers a world to which she can travel bodily every time she sleeps, a world where magic is real and freedom is the dream. But what can one girl do against the totalitarian Peace Keepers, even with the help of the mysterious Rebel Underground and their taciturn (and oh-so-alluring) boy leader Caiden North? And with her dreams so engrossing, will Briana ever want to wake up?
Be Careful includes some strong language and violence. Suggested readers are teens to adults.
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A very good start
Dancingkatz — July 25, 2010 - 8:03amI like the premise and would be interested in reading more. That said, I have the following comments which you are free to ignore (after all, this is only the first chapter and later on it's very likely that some of what I say may be made moot by what you tell us in later chapters).
I liked the insert of Biana's mother's comment about the Jeep (Jeep is a proper noun and should be capitalized, by the way, even though it gets used generically), you can tell a lot about her character in that one sentence and some of how Briana feels about her. That said, your two opening sentences (Briana shifted gears and pressed harder on the gas. Her jeep shot forward through the underbrush that had grown since the last time she'd made this trek.) felt kind of flat rather than grabbing at me. If I was coming to this story without knowing anything about Anne's other writings (I will read anything Anne writes as a matter of course, having been introduced to her by reading her Dangerverse stories three years ago) I might have debated about continuing on. However, you were saved by that insert of Briana's mother's voice. I think you might solve this by combining the two sentences into one (Briana shifted gears and pressed harder on the gas, the Jeep pushing past the underbrush that had encroached on the narrow lane since the last time anyone had come this way.).
I did find the timing to be confusing in regards to how much time actually passed between Brian's Dad's passing, the time of the funeral, the time of her aunts and uncles packing everything up and her arrival at the cabin. The description of the underbrush overgrowing the road seems to indicate that some weeks if not months, have gone by since anyone was at the cabin. I seem to get the idea that this is the only way to get to the cabin (I know it wasn't mentioned specifically, but it's the feeling I get from the intimation that the cabin is out in the wilderness). But it also seems from later paragraphs that her Dad's funeral wasn't that long ago, even possibly as recent as the past morning. If her aunts and uncle had come up to the cabin to pack things up (and I assume, to take care of the dogs as two Newfoundlands need to be regularly fed and watered) then there should be some sign of their vehicle(s) using the road. If enough time has passed to allow underbrush to grow up enough to hide the previous passage of vehicles then the dogs would have been out of food and water and there would have been dust and debris on everything (having cleaned up a cabin or two after a window was left open for a even a week, I'm more than familiar with the amount of dirt and stuff that accumulates from an open door or window). I know this sounds nit-picky but I actually stopped reading when I reached the mention of the aunts and uncle to go back to the beginning to double check the clues to how much time had passed. Not every reader will have the same response I did but I figured that if I reacted that way, other readers might, too.
You mention that Briana noticed the porch light was on and that she assumed that she had left it on the last time she was at the cabin. You also mention that she noticed the boxes and attributed them to the recent presence of her aunts and uncle. Mightn't her relatives have left the porch light on as well as a lamp or two inside the cabin? If she's noticing the porch light being on, wouldn't she notice the presence of tire tracks in the grass in front of the cabin as well?
I would like to suggest a minor wording change to the paragraph mentioning the boxes. Rather than say Her aunts and uncle had been here before, but they hadn't brought anything away with them I think the sentence Her aunts and uncle had been here the day before, but they hadn't taken anything away with them would solve a question of timing and moves the action so we are seeing it from Briana's perspective. In my experience, the use of the words "brought away" intimates that the action of removing something is being thought of or observed by the person removing the item in question, while "taken away" intimates more that the action of being thought of or observed by a third party.
And speaking of roads and driveways, is the area in front of the cabin paved in any way (gravel, macadam, etc.)? If she's screeching to a halt, that seems to indicate a solid hard surface of some sort. Screeching to a halt indicates that she slammed on the brakes--not a smart thing to do on wet pavement. If the access road is compressed gravel it would make sense that it would debauch into a turn-around or something, rather than just a field of grass and mud (which would show tire tracks at the very least). Arriving and braking hard on gravel wouldn't make a screeching sound but she could hear he clatter of the wet gravel flying. Perhaps if you changed the description of her arrival to indicate the cessation of the sound of the engine so all she heard was the rain falling on the cab of the Jeep rather than the sound of the wheels on whatever surface, it would make the question moot. The sound of rain hitting a roof in an otherwise silent place is very lonely and sad and would echo her internal feelings nicely.
Getting away from world-building/descriptive issues, I really like how you depict Briana's frustration with her mother and her grief over losing her Dad. It's realistic and not over the top. I especially liked how she lost it with her mother.
I take it that the door to the cabin was left unlocked because of the dogs? Who's been feeding and watering them BTW? I sort of get the feeling that this is the first time that Briana has been to the cabin since her father's death. Is that right? Or has she been coming up to take care of the dogs? If this is her first time there, then I wonder if she would have thought the dogs had been taken away to another relative's house for the time being and then been surprised that they were there at the cabin. It is usually three or four days between someone passing away and the funeral and I seriously doubt they would have been forgotten about. Did an aunt or uncle call her to tell her they were going up to the cabin to pack things up and to to take care of the dogs until she could get there? Or is the "Take what you want. We'll take the rest." a note? Was this trip to the cabin planned or a spur of the moment decision after the funeral?
Other questions: Where did Briana put the letter after she folded it up and kissed it? Is it in her pocket? Did she put it back were she found it?
Now that I'm done being nit-picky (sorry, but these sort of things can really knock me out of my suspension of disbelief) I've got some compliments. First of all, Briana sounds very real. She's not a pretty china doll, she's not perfect and she thinks and feels the way a real person would. Shes definitely not a Mary-Sue or self-insert. I love it that you've left it to us to imagine her specific appearance rather than give us a laundry list of attributes since there's no one there but her and there aren't any other eyes we can see her through. I have always hated stories that go into a twenty sentence expostion about the appearance of a character instead of letting me figure it out as the story goes along. The image of Briana sleeping between Coop and Bear is still in front of my mind's eye as I am typing.
The letter from her Dad and her emotional response to it was wonderfully written--very real and the combination of laughter and tears... well, I needed a tissue or two.
The dream sequence (I don't know what else to call it right now) was well done. The repetitiveness of "Your name is Briana Worthington?" was creepy and frightening. I was growing more and more frantic right along with Briana.
The ending was perfect. You stopped at exactly the right point. I can feel her shock and surprise and growing fear as she stares at her hands and sleeve. The hint of "Oh, thank God, it was just a nightmare!" and then the stark reality of With a torn sleeve, and with blood on her hands. grabbed me by the throat and wouldn't let go. I was looking for a link to click on so I could read the next chapter.
Goodness! I bet you;ll never want to see another review by me ever again! This is longer than your chapter. Please don't consider this flaming. I honestly love the story so far and hope that you take my comments in the spirit in which they are meant. I write myself and personally prefer a truly critical (in the English literature class sense of the word) review to dozens of Squeeeee! U R such a GR* wrtr! "reviews". Good luck with this endeavour and I hope to see it continue sometime.
Very truly yours,
Dancingkatz
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Very Nice!
Emeralds — March 10, 2010 - 5:13amInteresting story (is it going to be similar to another story by the same title that I know?) - looking forward to reading more.
Em
Very sound advice
Kat (not verified) — December 30, 2009 - 10:53amI'm interested on what happens next... hmmmm :P
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LupineMoon (not verified) — June 22, 2009 - 8:24amI really enjoyed this. Is this somewhat based on our version of BC?
A bittersweet beginning. Can't wait for more.